What to Do?

As of now, I have no child care provider. I have known for a week and a half that my provider was closing, and have even visited two programs, but I feel paralyzed to be in this position again. This will make the fifth child care situation in Hazel's four short years of life - not counting the piecemeal care I have had to use when my regular providers closed for family health emergencies. Here is a brief summary of our child care history:

• Nice elderly lady next door. Pros: good food, $5/day; cons: antique toys, soap operas .
• Home based provider #1- good program, nutritious meals, good philosophical match...until her husband was diagnosed with an aggressive malignant brain tumor (39 yrs old). Complicated situation, but a simple decision after I arrived to find my 2 yr old shrieking, shut in a dark, windowless bathroom.
• Home based provider #2 - Constantly on the road, dragging Hazel on errands. Became a real issue when Lily got off the school bus and had no one to meet her.
• Licensed Center - another parent referred to it as feeling like you are dropping your kid off at Walmart, complete with teenagers in belly shirts. Pulled the girls when Hazel started throttling her dolls and saying "YOU GO TO TIME OUT!" through clenched teeth.
• Registered Home #3 - Nice environment, good curriculum. There was spam - yes, the mystery meat in can - and I was working up the courage to discuss this with my provider when unbelievably her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor (34 yrs old). Could my kids be carcinogenic? She wisely took time off when she needed to tend to her family and her own needs (as opposed to locking toddlers in dark rooms), but this creates financial hardship, so she understandably found steady employment with benefits.

So here I am again. Gunshy thanks to my horrific track record, finding the knowledge I have as the director of a child care resource and referral agency to be more of a liability than an asset. If I didn't know what quality care looked like, I wouldn't have all these nagging doubts. I'd be like every other parent with no options, find the least problematic place to leave my "baby" (Lily now attends the after school program, which simplifies things), and try not to think about it. I half-jokingly asked Fritz if he'd like to be a stay at home dad for a while. Not sure we could swing it (actually pretty sure we can't), but it's only for a year until H is in kindergarten...Maybe a parent cooperative?

I don't want to rush my girls' childhoods, but I can't wait to be done with the child care conundrum. This system needs help!